to this???
It is so hard to explain how I feel today. I feel like my heart is sitting at a little church over the bridge here in Tequesta. My babies started preschool today. Although, so many mothers are excited, I am beyond words. I am not excited, I am heartbroken. I can not possibly explain. I went through so much to have these babies here with me on earth, why would I ever want to let them go? I understand (boy do I understand!!) the need for a break, getting away, and having some alone time. But this is just different. I'm not upset because I'm worried about them. I know they are going to have so much fun at school. It's more the "milestone". They are growing up way too fast!
It just seems like yesterday, that I had the scare of my life when I went into labor at 24 weeks. I never prayed so hard in my life. "God, I will do anything if you will just protect my babies. Please let the doctors stop this labor. I want them so bad and already love them so much. I will do everything in my power to be the best mother that I can be. Please save my babies". And he did. For that I will forever be grateful. Then the fabulous bedrest for 13 weeks. 1 five minute shower a week, no standing, no sitting, no watching scary or tense things on tv, just lie down, and stay calm. Looking back, I know the only reason I was able to do that was because of the love I already felt for my children. It was and is even more so today, overpowering. Having twins definitely has it's challenges, as do having singletons, I'm sure. I LOVE that I have twins, don't get me wrong. There is nothing better in the world. I get to experience all the love and kisses double! However, I am not loving one bit the double pain I feel today. I already miss my babies and can't wait to go pick them up.
I know I will soon enjoy this free time to get things done. It's just today, I can't concentrate. I am doing a load of laundry in our broken washing machine right now. For the first time, I am thankful we haven't replaced it yet. I welcome the loud noise it is making. The second I walked in the door without Luke and Ashley, I thought, "Whoa... It's WAY TOO QUIET HERE". So I started the laundry and sat down at the computer to write on the blog.
This blog has been very therapeutic in a way. I love writing on it and now I will have more time to do so. I already feel better after getting my feelings out on here. I was talking to Brent the other night about starting a whole new blog, since Luke and Ashley are preschoolers now and no longer "Toddler Squared". I'm trying to come up with a creative title for the new one, but I am just not that creative! So if anyone has a good one, let me know! The content will remain the same, Family, Food etc. (ha! actually, that might me kind of funny, "Family Food" Like Family Feud? no? ok.) But my entries will remain about Luke and Ashley and what is going on in our lives, as well as some good recipes and photography. After all the point of this blog is to keep our family and friends who live so far away up to date and for Luke and Ashley to one day look back and read it. I have been trying to change the settings so it is easier for you to leave comments. I tried to fix it so you don't have to have a google account to leave a comment anymore, but who knows. I am overwhelmed by the number of people who read the blog and send me emails in response. I wish all of you could read what I can. That's another reason I'm trying to get the comments section worked out. I may have to go to an entire new sight. For anyone who blogs, if you have a suggestion, let me know.
I will end this post with what I am thankful for. I try to end every post with this. Today, I am thankful for so much. My college roommate and close friend, Ashley, sent me these flowers yesterday. She has two great kids of her own and truly understands the feeling of letting your kids go. She knows me well, and knew how flowers would brighten my day today. Thank you Ash.
I am thankful for my wonderful friends and family who have listened to me cry over the twins starting school. Although some of you don't "get why I'm so upset" I think it is a common feeling among mothers, and that is something that is understood.
Most of all, I am thankful for my 2 beautiful, healthy children. And I thank God EVERY DAY, for putting them in my life. How did I get so lucky??
4 comments:
great stuff there Miss. i enjoy reading your blog. its tough just going to work, and not seeing the little man for 8 hours, i can imagine how you feel, and how tanil feels when tosh goes to stay with a friend for the day.
as far as starting i new blog. i wouldn't do it. I'd keep the same space, and just continue it. But the domian name you want(i.e. the new one) and just keep it up in the same space. It doesnt really have a name in the sense of its domain, so you can always change the header. my 2 cents there. we did moved that way on our blog. you are linked in our blog roll, so i hope it brings you a little traffic. traffic is fun.
otherwise. good stuff again.
I know the feeling. Have done the crying for several years. This one was very hard as I have a child entering middle school. Along with one going to Kinder. and my baby started preschool this week. Too many milestones in one week for me. Luckily one of mine was just in 4th grade so I didn't need to cry for her too although they are all growing up too fast. I think it only gets faster. They love it, but it is hard for us mommies. Hang in there, it gets easier
I understand very well why you're "so upset." When Brooke started preschool I was a reck. All day I felt like a bad mom for just "leaving her there." I know that's silly thinking but I couldn't stop wondering... what if she needs me, what if she gets hurt, I wonder what she's doing right now. Then two years later I had to do it again when Ethan started preschool. Luckily, it does get better, although the first day of school is still tough for me and I get so excited to pick them up at the end of the day. But you are not alone with feeling this way.
No, you are NOT alone in your feelings. I completely understand. Even way back when, it was hard for me to let Brent go to kindergarten and then again with Wendy. With all the milestones through the years, it is always hard to let go, even a little! Grandpa and I just pray that their days are filled with joy and that their Mom will find comfort in their happiness! It does get easier but there will ALWAYS be times that you long for time to slow down a bit. Hang in there and just let them know how much they are loved!!! Love to all of you......
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